Paul Varghese: Knock Knock Joke

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My friend’s a Jehovah’s Witness. He got all pissed at me because he tried to tell me a knock knock joke and I ignored him.

Mike Vecchione: Private Detective School

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I went online to become a private detective. It was a private detective school online, and I paid online. But then I never heard from them again. I thought to myself, ‘I either got ripped off or this is my first case.’

Natasha Leggero: Boston Blackout

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This girl comes up to me with this thick Boston accent and she’s like, ‘Hey, you’ve seriously never woke up at a party and some guy was inside you?’ I never woke up at a party.

Myq Kaplan: Long Distance Relationship

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The best part about dating someone who is overweight is, if it’s long distance, the distance is slightly less long. And gravity pulls you even closer. So, science really working for you.

B.J. Novak: Learned Nothing in College

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I learned nothing in college. It was really kind of my own fault. I had a double major: psychology and reverse psychology.

Christian Finnegan: Trivial Pursuit

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You know what I’m great at? Trivial Pursuit. What good is that gonna do you in life? It has the word ‘trivial’ in the name. The game is basically telling you that you pursue trivial things. Trivial — as in not important. Trivial — as in maybe you should’ve gone to grad school.

Bill Burr: What Cubicles Say

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You know what a cubicle basically says? It basically says, like, ‘You know what? We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office, but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’

Greg Fitzsimmons: Orange Alert at the Airport

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They make that announcement, ‘If you notice anything unusual, please immediately report it to airport security.’ So, I grab the guy, I go, ‘Yeah, I just saw somebody pay $11 for a cup of coffee at Starbucks. And right around the corner, they’re selling luggage inside the airport. I’m going to do another lap. I’ll let you know if I see anything.’

Paul F. Tompkins: Had to Be There

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If something is inherently funny, it’s relatable after the fact. Anyone who says, ‘You had to be there,’ should just not have told you the thing in the first place because it’s not funny.

John Mulaney: Meanest People in the World

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Thirteen-year-olds are the meanest people in the world. They terrify me to this day… because 8th graders will make fun of you but in an accurate way. They will get to the thing that you don’t like about you. They don’t even have to look at you for long. They’ll just be like, ‘Ha, ha, ha, ha, hey, look at that high waisted man. He got feminine hips.’ And I’m like, ‘No! That’s the thing I’m sensitive about.’

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